Introductions

As the editor the material in this blog thus far, I have remained anonymous. However, with the amount of material I plan to be working with I have decided to add an additional member to my team. Jake Hanson will now be an author/ editor on this page. He will remain the face of this page, as I will remain anonymous, and I believe adding this additional team member will help me continue my work behind the scenes.

I will now pass it over to Jake Hanson to introduce himself, and additionally add him as a member capable of responding to questions, comments, and even submissions from anyone.

Hello readers,

My name is Jake, and I could not be more thrilled to be joining the team officially. It has been in the works for a while, which is why there has been a lack of posting to this blog. The editor is extremely overwhelmed with his duties of finding source material, verifying its authenticity, and deciding what is fit to publish and what is fit to remain unknow. I will help in that capacity, along with sharing material of my own.

The contents that are anonymous will remain anonymous, and I will answer all the questions that I can about them, but due to the agreement I have made with editor, there will still be off limit topics. As to questions regarding material that I have submitted, it will be clearly marked as a submission from me, and I would be happy to answer any and all questions related to it. I hope that our reader’s continue to enjoy the material posted here, as I think it is quite a unique blog that cannot be found in other places. I will be adding some different aspects to the blog, such as material that is relevant to the current news, religion, politics, and anything that I deem worthy of writing about. I hope that my material will be just as interesting to the reader’s as the material already posted on the blog here has been.

Thanks again for reading,

Jake Hanson

People You Can Count On

When it comes to recovery, there is an emphasis on finding a good support network and letting them help you along the way to your recovery. This is mostly indicated for people with addictions, such as alcoholism or drugs. But it is also advocated in depression and anxiety as well. What I have learned from this is that despite how many people you reach out to, despite how many people say that you can call them day or night, there is only one person you can count on.

Yourself.

And that presents a problem because you are already in suffering and pain when you need support the most. The makes it extremely difficult to get help when you need it the most. But you are the only one who can provide the support you need. This is yet another habit that I must maintain when it comes to the struggle back.

Relying on others usually puts a burden on them that they did not know they would have to bear. And in my personal experience, it has proven to be too much. There is only one person that can understand what exactly will help you out of the current position that you are in. And that is your own mind.

Getting out of your mind, and looking at it from an outside perspective is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. Especially when you are in the the throes of despair and loneliness. But it is something that you have to train your mind to do, because nobody else can do it for you.

A good support network is a great asset to have in these situations, but you have to understand how much you can expect from it. You can tell them how you are doing and the things that you have been working on, but you cannot expect them to take the thoughts in your head and put them into their own. People cannot or will not do that for you.

You must deal with those thoughts and feelings on your own first, and figure out a way to deal with them on your own. Take the advice of others, look to them for guidance, but do not expect them to solve anything for you. You have to solve it yourself. Support network is not Fix It For Me network. it is a group of people that will support you while you are putting in the tremendous effort it takes to rebuild yourself from these incidents.

You must learn to understand your mind, and understand your illness, whatever it may be. For me depression and anxiety. For others, anything from compulsive gambling to an impulsive need for attention to alcoholism to drug addiction. People are there for you in your time of need, but you have to be there for yourself in ways that no one else can possibly be.

You are the one that you have to count on. Day in and day out. It has to be you. You cannot expect someone else to take on your burden. You must bear it and wrestle with it and beat it to the ground every single day and moment of your life. Sometimes you will win, most times you will lose. Especially in the beginning. But the more you fight, the more you will learn. And the stronger your mind’s resolve will become.

You have to be able to count on yourself.

The Way Back to Zero

Waiting for change to occur in my life has not proven be a very prosperous plan. I am unable to keep doing things the way that I have been doing them and hoping for them to change. It will take an active role on my part in order to get back to Zero. From there, I can build myself up to anybody that I want to be.

There is a long road ahead though. It will take daily work and a daily struggle. Routine will be the hardest part. Maintaining a routine that revolves around movement rather than stagnation is essential to getting back. The hard part is the motivation. Once you have sunk so low, it’s hard to see the way out.

And there may not be one. But I know there is a way back to where I am, and a way further down. That is something that I don’t want. It has been many months since my last writing, and many of the women that I wrote about may or may not have read what I wrote, and it may or may not have had any impact. Just as this may or may not have any impact on those who read it.

But I write this for me, and solely for me. Anyone who reads it, and if it has any effect on them is out of my control. That is another thing that I will have to focus on. The things that are in my control and those that are out of it. I focus almost exclusively on the things that I can’t control, and that results in anger and frustration, and anxiety and depression. Days and days laying in bed, not being able to do anything are miserable and I don’t want that in my life anymore. So I will have to shake the habit of thinking about things that I can’t control, and focus on what I am doing and what I can control.

My actions. That is all I can control. And I can train myself to take different actions in situations where I would have normally taken an action that is in the short or long term harmful to getting back. It is not easy. As anyone with depression or anxiety may tell you, it feels impossible. And for some, without the right access to help, it is impossible. But lately I have seen what is truly impossible, and my perspective has been changing about myself.

It will still be an extremely difficult road and it will not be a short road either. It will be years and years of traveling and struggle on a day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute struggle. One minute can change everything. I know that now more than anything. One minute can change what your options are and who will support you. I have been lucky enough to have one of the strongest support systems that have helped me way more than I deserve. Continuously doing the same thing, continuously asking for help, it takes a toll on others.

That toll is also something that will need to be something that I think of every day to help motivate myself. I will have to completely change my attitude about a lot of things, and I will have to steel myself against those old habits, and create new ones that will allow me to get back to zero.

Despite the long and extremely difficult task that I will have to undertake, I have to try. The worst that could happen is I make it back to where I am and start over. But I have got to get back to zero, by myself.

And only myself.

Solitary for Twelve

Another memory I have of one of the girls I have written about is the day she walked away. She told me she needed a year. She was in love with someone else, someone who had been in her life much longer than me. I knew she was never coming back. I remember that phone call vividly. Not the words she said, but the feelings they caused. My heart breaking again, the air leaving my lungs breathless. The extreme sensation of loss and emptiness. If there are five stages of grief, I wish that I could go through them.

 

But that wasn’t possible. Not now. Not with this girl. I did not have the luxury of acceptance at the end of this grief. All I had was the entire package. It was clear from her voice that she did not intend to ever come back. Even though she may have said that there was nothing set in stone, I knew her thinking was as solid as concrete. She would never let me back into her life.

 

She may have still felt love for me, she may not have. She may have never loved me. My thinking is that was the case from the beginning. She had said it but never meant it. When I had said it, I said it with every inch of my soul. That was the difference, and there was nothing that I could do to ever change that.

 

Time heals all things. Another falsity of the human experience. Time only dulls, but the pain of true love lost never heals. It never goes away. You begin to feel nothing. That is the only thing that can be called healing in a situation like this. Try as I might, I could never get her off my mind. I thought about her everyday, every hour, every minute. Happy memories now twisted and mixed with terrible ones.

 

She cut me out completely. She contacted me in no way, shape or form. Days turning into weeks, weeks into months. My hope of her changing her mind was something that I could never shake. I tried everything that I could to get her attention. Trying to remind her of me, of what we had shared together. I don’t know if any of it even reached her or if she ever saw it. All I know is that I still never heard from her. Day after day after day I waited, in agony as deep the ocean.

 

But the day never arrived. She had someone, and I did not have her. That was the only thing that never changed. Even during the time that we spent together. But I will keep trying, in any way that I can think of.

 

Because that is all that I have now.

The Art of Blue

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to write about this color, but I think now is a good time. This is about about a girl, and amazing girl, that yet again (seriously, am I that bad) got away. But the whole story is much more complicated than that, and would take up way to much of this blog, so I will leave out some details. I hope you will forgive me for that, after all I am writing about being blue.

 

This girl was my best friend for a very long time. We would joke with each other at work, which maybe isn’t the best idea as that has only lead me to heart ache. But anyways, it took us a little time to even begin talking to each other, as I am extremely shy and it takes a while to open up and share with other people. Perhaps that is why I have yet to reveal my true identity on this blog. Although with a little digging it is easy enough to find out who I am really am.

 

Anyways, back to this girl. I think that it took so long to for us to become friends because I did have a crush on this girl. But finally we began to talk and joke around and it was like it Christmas in November, even though I might be Jewish, or Hindu. I haven’t made up my mind yet. Back to the blue. Friendship can quickly turn in to romance, and sometimes that romance is something that cannot keep going. The entire time, I knew that it would end, and yet again I would have lost not only someone I really liked, but also a friend that I could talk too.

 

I haven’t talked to this girl in a very long time, and each day it haunts me. Each day I’m colored in blue. Like a painting, like the art of Picasso during his blue period. I understand why it happened, but I don’t understand why it happened. My experience with this amazing lady was great, and we shared a great friendship, one that I miss terribly, and a quick romance that I miss also. But the friendship that we shared couldn’t have been better than any one that I’ve ever had. It seems that I drive my friends away as fast as I drive girls away.

 

But here I sit, knowing that the blue with continue to be painted on me like a despairing piece of artwork. But knowing that the blue will fade is not a comfort as you think it will be. My life will never be the same without her, and once I accept that, then I can remember the good times we had and the friendship and quick romance we shared (that’s from a movie that you should all go and see if you haven’t, and I’m not going to tell you which one. Blue doesn’t mean the color of sadness to me, it means the color of loneliness and loss. And as you know from a previous post that I wrote recently, loss is a part of life that is handed out generously.

 

Blue doesn’t have a plan. It shows up when you least expect it, even though you do expect it. You expect it all the time.