(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
I continue to feel the urging and the pordding from my parents especially to reduce the amount of medication I rely on. Common sense tells me also that this is a good idea. Given my nature to overindulge and my proclivity towards addiction, this seems the best overall goal. Looking at my medications currently, I would say that the venlafaxine, the mirtazapine, and the bupropion are indispensible in regards to my depression, anxiety, and sleep, somewhat. The ropinirole has helped me immensely, so much so that I often forget about the restless urges I used to get in my legs. This seems to me a sign that the ropinirole is working and serving a usefullness that I could not do without, at least for the time being.
The medication that I feel the strongest resistance too from everyone including myself if I am honest, are the ones that I most enjoy. Lorzaepam is an amazing drug that has helped me many times when I’ve found myself in tremendous stress. But like everything that serves a great purpose, it comes with an extraordinary cost. It is very addictive, and I often do not have any pills at all because I have gobbled them all away in one sitting. The detriment to my memory and cognition is also very concerning. It is a scary thing not to be able to remember entire days and conversations. I almost threw away the greatest thing to ever happen to me while I was high on too much Ativan.
****** is the strongest and most loyal person that I know. I have given her my entire heart and soul, but I owe her so much more. And she deserves even more than that. I don’t know if I can change her life in the amazing ways that she has changed mine, even if I had a thousand lives to give, but I will do anything and everything that I can in this life to show her that I won’t stop trying too. Not even on the day that I die will I relent in my pursuit to bring her happiness, even if it is only finally having the bed completely to herself. The lines from the Cormac McCarthy book keep coming back to me when I think about my love.
“All I know is that she is my warrant. If she is not the word of God, then God never spoke.”
I’m paraphrasing slightly of course, but truer words could not be spoken about ****** ******** ******* who I knew from the day we exchanged our first seemingly innocent text messages that I would be with for the rest of my life. Or probably just as likely from a distance of no less than 500 yards.
I have gone far off topic but it is useful in the discussion of necessity in my life to mention the very air that I breathe, the sun that shines on me every day and the star that illuminates me every night. Even if she gave me nothing from this point forward; no love, no attention, no glances or whispers, I am already the wealthiest man in the universe for having heard her utter the words “I love you” just once. I am still convinced she was talking to the guy behind me,but lucky for me he was hard of hearing. And unlucky for ****** I am not. And I will never be, not for her. I will listen to every word that she says outloud and silently, and I will record it as scripture. For if a girl like ****** can fall for a guy like me, or at least get stuck with for the sake of the cats, then surely God was telling the truth when he said let there be light, and this angel came into the world.
Now back to my musings on my medications. While the lorazepam has helped me a lot and been a frequent companion, it is something that I must eventually give up completely. Just like the alcohol and the pain medication, it is a virus that will drain your life away if you do not fight it off constantly. And although I may have some resilience hidden away in these scrawny bones, it is not nearly enough to hold this addiction at bay forever.
Similarly the adderall and the methylphenidate will eventually have to go as well. They do serve a great purpose and a tremendous assistance to me in my academic endeavours, they are far too enjoyable to be useful in the long term. It often seems that the more you focus on the way something makes you feel and seek after it to replicate that feeling, the more life you will squander away in its neverending need to be replenished. I wonder how many hours have been spent by others similarly. Countless I am absolutely certain.
And for every such hour, there is no dobut a life that has been given unwillingly in pursuit.
But who is to say what is good and what is bad in this life. I have enjoyed the drugs that I have taken immensely, and I do not count the time wasted nor the joy false. It is in the counter balance to that joy and that bliss that a voidless abyss exists, taking in all the time and the lives that it can because without them, it has neither.
Suffering and pain do not exist without someone to experience them.
Just as pleasure and happiness do not. The underlying fabric of life is experience. What did you feel? How many emotions did you discover? How much pain did they bring you? And what did that bring to your life that wasn’t there before?
to be continued . . .