(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
I will be well set up in all regards; relationship, job, finances and if I can control myself maybe even a little Adderall to save up. That is the important part, to save it, not with the thought that I can take them later, but the thought that I am just going to have them just to have them. That is the position that I need to start finding myself more often in fact most of the time so that it is not just a mad scramble to the next appointment for the next prescription that I gobble down in two days.
That is what is going to keep up my appearances the best, keeping everybody at bay and unaware of my true thoughts. Appearances are all that matter. You just have to make it seem completely alright, that everything is going good and you aren’t back in the same trap that you always are. That will keep things flowing without any problems. I don’t know how that is going to work out in real life, but I know that is the smart route for me to take. With my eye on the long game instead of the now game. That is what is going to put on the brakes on my medications again.
And this time it could permanently stop the flow. I am running out of new methods to get my hands on what I want. People are going to stop playing my games, and I will be cut off for good, and that will not be good. Really not good. It is also an option for me just to start taking my medication as prescribed rather they as best suited for me at the time. This is the smartest and best choice for me to choose because I do actually feel like I could use the help it provides in my day to day life.
The lorazepam probably most importantly of the abused ones. My anxiety is a real hurdle for me. The zolpidem next because I do have a lot of trouble with sleep every night. The Adderall is one that I am not sure that I would need desperately if it were gone. I don’t know really how much it actually helps me in real world situations. I could definitely use the help with studying for the classes that I am gong to start taking. I really need to be successful in those to get my grade point average up to where I want it after I finish up my other two bachelor’s degrees. If I decide to continue on with my education like maybe a Master’s degree or even a law degree or an MBA. I need to get it up to and over the three point o mark, and keep it there from then on. Staying focused on studying is a huge problem for me and from what Adderall is claimed to be good for is just that.
I could use it to get me over that last hurdle in my way right now. Taking it only when I am studying would be the important part there. I don’t even know how necessary it would be for me on a day to day basis, taking it twice daily. It probably couldn’t hurt if I use it exactly that way and do not deviate from it for any reason. It is hard for me to take the blame for constantly using up all of my medicine too fast, and by that I mean that I don’t admit that to myself. But it is entirely and completely my fault. I am the one that needs to decide to change if I want things to go in a different direction than they have been.
It is always right there in front of me as a solution, but I am too stupid to apply it. It would make things so much less stressful for myself. Not having to think about the medicine all the time, not always planning how to get more, not having to worry about how I am coming off too everyone and if they are on to me. My mind that is constantly on it.
It would free up so many more of my abilitieis to use in the way that they should be and that will benefit in more ways than just in terms of the number of pills they can get me. I probably would be amazed at the difference that I would see right away, just like an immediate sense of relief that I didn’t have to think about or worry about it ever again. Just solely the amount of time it would free up would be massive. That alone is worth it and should serve as a push in the right direction. That is almost completely incomprehensible to me because of the huge amount of time and energy that I would now have at my disposal.
It would be a game changer for me, exactly the one that I need in my life and for my future. And not just my future but everybody around me. If people didn’t have to worry about me constantly, being able to trust me again, being able to have a conversation with me where medication does not come up. That would be huge. That is probably the best thing I could do for ******, my parents, my friends. And hopefully for the family that ******* and I are going to start together. I almost forgot that it would also let us get started on that right now rather than later when things get better.
I don’t think enough about how my choices affect the people around me, and probably more so than myself because at least I am popping pills to make me feel better. They do not have the luxury or even the opportunity to make some of these mistakes in their own lives because they have to think about everyone. ****** is the most important thing in my life, and I am constantly one or two big fuck ups from losing her for good.
to be continued . . .