(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
This will bring me down in the smoothest way possible. Also in the hopes of not experiencing any really bad feelings assosciated with the comedown. Maybe even some Nyquil will be necessary for me to get to sleep. I hope that I don’t have to do that. It is also the problem who just not wanting to come down. I don’t want to bring an end to this day that I have been having. But it is very urgent that it does end. It is very, very important that it ends. I feel alreaady that I am getting paranoid and not in the best frame of mind. I wonder if eating would help the feelings that I am experiencing. I think is probably what it is because I have gone that long without sleep. But now that I think about it I have been up for twenty eight hours not eighteen like I thought.
It has been eighteen hours since I took Adderall for the first time of yesterday / today. It has actually been twenty eight hours since I got up on Friday morning at six in the morning on Saturday. I am not feeling the hottest, and I have to admit that I do want to take more Adderall in the hopes of getting rid of the feelings I am currently experiencing. It’s not actually that bad. Just a lot nervousness, but I am still in control and able to keep myself calm.
Maybe I should take the mirtazapine now and start trying to go to sleep, but I am trying to go to sleep, but I am concerned that the Adderall has not worn off enough for it to work. And I think that will stress me out even more than I am already. But I will start looking for the right moment to try and go to sleep. Ultimately that is what has to happen, and the alternative is not really an option at all. That being stay awake until we get home from ******’s mom’s house. That would require me to take an unknown amount of Adderall to stay awake until then, and I can not imagine that I will be feeling any better then, in all reality it will probably be much worse than it is now. But it is not completely off the table. The amount of time that I will need to get to sleep and then to sleep actually, will be more than the amount of time that I have before the family gathering. This could pose a problem for me and I probably won’t get enough sleep.
What to do, what to do. I wish that we didn’t have to go tonight. that would make everything much easier. And where am I going to hide this notebook while I sleep? If ****** were to read some of the things in here she would leave me for sure. That is something that I do know for sure. I will probably stay up until then. Or maybe I won’t I most certainly need the sleep to reset my brain function. And that would be very, very bad to not have done by the time we are with her family. I wish I knew what the answer was to make things easiest on myself.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I don’t know. If I knew that I could get to sleep quickly and get enough to make me feel normal, then I would take the mirtazapine now. But I just don’t know. Well I know that sleep is what my body needs. Its what normal bodies need every night to maintain average functionality for the time that they are awake. I could just take some more Adderall and if that doesn’t fix it then I will make up an excuse to not go tonight. Hopefull I won’t get into too much trouble by doing that and I wouldn’t be able to afford a mistake.
The comedown is real and it is rough. I just had the thought that I could be feeling shitty from requip withdrawal, which I did not take last night. I was going to take it when I eventually went to sleep, but considering I never went to sleep and therefore never took my ropinirole last night. I just took it and some Adderall in the hopes of feeling better. I’m only worried now about the nausea from the ropinirole, but I think that it will be bearable.
Hopefully it also makes me feel much better, and that improvement is greater than the nausea. I have to remain positive about my predictament. The other thing that I can do is be super stressed out about it and get nowhere while being miserable. For some reason that option does not seem appealing to me. I do already feel a little better I think, maybe it is all in my head but whatever the reason I am glad for the relief.
I will have to make sure that I have enough Adderall to make it through tonight. It would not be good if I ran out in the middle of the night.
I took way too much Adderall and my heart is pounding and I am extremely out of it mentally. I have to focus on keeping my anxiety down, that will be the best thing right now.
That was not a good experience. I have returned to normal, having gotten about three hours of sleep earlier. That was a very scary experience. My heart would not stop pounding and I was very paranoid and extremely nervous, and my perception was very distorted from the sleep deprivation. My anxiety was through the roof. It was a very scary experience.
Hopefully it will be what I need to stop completely.
to be continued . . .