(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
And not just how that would affect me, but what that would do to her emotionally. I can’t ever do that to her. I cannot allow myself to do that kind of damage to the woman that I love more than any other person on the planet. If I heard that somebody else was about to hurt her in the way that I am capable of I would kick the shit out of their for even thinking about that. I have to do what I need to do to protect her from me.
That is the most important thing that is coming out of the whole situation that I have created. I just need to fucking do what I need to do, plain and simple. It is so fucking simple that millions of people do it every day from all different backgrounds. If so many people are capable of doing this simple thing, then I must also have that same capability. I must have always had it and ignored it to the detriment of me and everyone important in my life.
Talk is easy and I have said all these same things before to myself so I can’t ever claim ignorance. I need to actually do what I say that I will and what I know is right. I am the only one to blame and also the only one that can solve this problem. It would be a huge step forward for me in my life, I will cut myself some undeserved slack with the understanding that it is the last time and the promise that things are going to be different. That I am going to make changes, changes that are long overdue and much mucc more than important than anything else that I am doing. Is today going to be the day? Will I be able to stop and get far enough away from my mistakes that I am not in danger of making them again?
That is all that it would take. Just one day where I choose to do something different, and then another, and another until I am no longer doing anything different than normal and it becomes the life that I am living. Once I stop for a long enough period of time to get myself jump started on the right track then all that I have to do is wait. Literally do nothing and the problem will shrink and go away completely. Then I can look back at my mistakes and use them as proof to myself and everyone else that things can and will change.
That I can change. After that things will get a whole lot simpler, a whole lot faster than I can imagine possible now. I really want everything to be simpler. I want to forget about medications and just live my life. That is the whole reason I abuse the medication in the first place. Because I want things to be simpler and easy, and they provide that readily. There is nothing wrong with wanting life to be simpler.
There is even nothing wrong with mistakenly turning to the pills or alcohol to do that. What there is something wrong with is continuing to make the same mistake once you know that it is a mistake. It happens to lots of people, it is not weird or something that nobody understands. It is a series of bad choices that follow that first mistake and just keep on going. The cycle can be broken, it is possible for it to be done so there is no explanation for it not being broken. It is hard initially, or at least from the limited perspective that you have before.
But when you look back a the decision that you could have made after it has completely destroyed your life, it will seem like the easiest choice that could ever be made. And that is what it is in fact. I am going to make this change and I am writing it here so that if I don’t I won’t be able to say that I didn’t know. I know. I’ve known for a very long time. Years and probably even a decade of my life. Ever since the first time I lied about being sick to get pills. I just never think about it while I’m doing it. Well even that is not true because I have thought about it before I do it, right before it in fact. And I think about how I don’t care about the consequences and pain that I will eventually cause myself.
Only because the euphoria that the pills cause is more fresh in my mind than the pain and shame that I will feel later. Once I’ve started it gets harder and harder to stop, actually nearly impossible for me to stop myself. Like what I am feeling right now. I am firmly under the spell of the Adderall that I have been shovelling in my mouth all night and now into this morning. I don’t know how I can stop and come down from this feeling. This high that I have been chasing and reveling in for the past eighteen hours now. I have not slept at all.
I will have to sleep to finish this. That is the solution that is easiest for me. It is a bit of a short cut, but as long as it gets me to the same destination it will ultimately be good for me. I will have to take my mirtazapine to get to sleep, and even that might not be enough. I will have to wait for the Adderall to wear off a lot before taking the mirtazapine and then it will be able to put me to sleep.
to be continued . . .