Waiting for change to occur in my life has not proven be a very prosperous plan. I am unable to keep doing things the way that I have been doing them and hoping for them to change. It will take an active role on my part in order to get back to Zero. From there, I can build myself up to anybody that I want to be.
There is a long road ahead though. It will take daily work and a daily struggle. Routine will be the hardest part. Maintaining a routine that revolves around movement rather than stagnation is essential to getting back. The hard part is the motivation. Once you have sunk so low, it’s hard to see the way out.
And there may not be one. But I know there is a way back to where I am, and a way further down. That is something that I don’t want. It has been many months since my last writing, and many of the women that I wrote about may or may not have read what I wrote, and it may or may not have had any impact. Just as this may or may not have any impact on those who read it.
But I write this for me, and solely for me. Anyone who reads it, and if it has any effect on them is out of my control. That is another thing that I will have to focus on. The things that are in my control and those that are out of it. I focus almost exclusively on the things that I can’t control, and that results in anger and frustration, and anxiety and depression. Days and days laying in bed, not being able to do anything are miserable and I don’t want that in my life anymore. So I will have to shake the habit of thinking about things that I can’t control, and focus on what I am doing and what I can control.
My actions. That is all I can control. And I can train myself to take different actions in situations where I would have normally taken an action that is in the short or long term harmful to getting back. It is not easy. As anyone with depression or anxiety may tell you, it feels impossible. And for some, without the right access to help, it is impossible. But lately I have seen what is truly impossible, and my perspective has been changing about myself.
It will still be an extremely difficult road and it will not be a short road either. It will be years and years of traveling and struggle on a day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute struggle. One minute can change everything. I know that now more than anything. One minute can change what your options are and who will support you. I have been lucky enough to have one of the strongest support systems that have helped me way more than I deserve. Continuously doing the same thing, continuously asking for help, it takes a toll on others.
That toll is also something that will need to be something that I think of every day to help motivate myself. I will have to completely change my attitude about a lot of things, and I will have to steel myself against those old habits, and create new ones that will allow me to get back to zero.
Despite the long and extremely difficult task that I will have to undertake, I have to try. The worst that could happen is I make it back to where I am and start over. But I have got to get back to zero, by myself.
And only myself.