Being lonely

He layed in bed with his back turned to his cell phone laying on the ground. He knew she hadn’t texted back and that she probably never would. But he could not get the thought out of his mind that maybe she had and he hadn’t felt the vibration. He tried to go to sleep, he closed his eyes as tightly as he could, but to no avail.


Finally, he gave into temptation and rolled over. He picked up the phone, and for a few milliseconds held on to hope that she may have responded.


But then his wallpaper picture appeared, illuminating the room. He looked at the sent messages, and saw that they had been read. He knew that she didn’t intend to respond, but he just couldn’t understand why. He was hurting. Hurting bad. He just wanted her to say something to him, to tell him that she thought about him as much as he did her. He could not quash the feeling that they would eventually reconcile and get back together. Although that hope was fading daily.


With every text that she did send to him, even when they were being cordial with each other, he could sense the distance growing and growing. He didn’t know how he could stop it, how he could put back on the charm that he had had when they first started dating. What had happened to those days? Why was he now so incapable of reading her? They had been together for years and shared secrets with each other that nobody else in the world knew.


But that hole in his heart stayed, and all he wanted to do was fill it. He had other things to concern himself with. He needed to stay clean. He needed to avoid trying to avoid his feelings. He needed to feel this lonliness. This was normal, this is the way that it should feel when you have come out the wrong side of a relationship.


When he thought about it honestly, which was not very often because he never had liked being honest with himself, he knew that eventually these feelings would fade with time, and that he would move on and she would move on and both of them would be fine. He wasn’t sure whether or not that was the best for them, but nevertheless time would heal things. Time always did. Time was the best drug to fix problems that he had. It was just a matter of being patient enough to allow it to work.


He had become such a good liar from his days as an addict that sometimes he didn’t know whether or not he actually felt a certain way. The key to telling a convincing lie is to believe what you are saying is telling the truth. The problem with that becomes when you believe the lies that you are telling for so long, eventually you become ignorant of the truth.


He was lonely. Very lonely. But he knew that he should be lonely. That was the right decision, even though it was the most uncomfortable. But lonliness would not bring destruction and chaos to his life like the drugs that he so often sought out to make him feel better.


Lonliness was lonliness. Plain and simple.


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