Most of the girls that I have loved the most have not been the ones that wanted to be with me. With one exception, but never mind that for now. This next woman was probably the most recent, and also my biggest mistake.
Not in the sense that the was anything wrong with her other than circumstance. I should have seen the warnings, the red lights if you will (hence the title, duh), but I ignored them. She did too. There was nothing shared between us but intense feelings, at least on my part for sure. I’m not sure anymore if it was a mutual feeling, but my heart was burning red for a day or two.
That’s all it took for me. Maybe that is part of the issue for me, is that when I fall, I fall hard and fast. Very fast. But that is how it is. There was only one day that we hung out together where it felt like it was actually real. Or could actually become real.
We were both going through some things. Her issues turned out to be fixable though. Mine never will be. But we had texted each other for days, and I felt like I had found somebody that really understood what I felt like. Abandoned and alone. But again, her fire burned out quickly, mine is still burning strong.
She shared her problems with me and I shared mine with her. That’s all I really ever wanted was someone to share what I felt with. She seemed like she wanted the same. But there were a lot of differences between the two of us. And they turned out to be bigger than both of us. But it isn’t her fault, it’s mine. I couldn’t see that it wasn’t what she needed.
We had gone to lunch together, she had driven. We talked and we flirted and I felt like I finally found somebody that really understood the way it felt to be alone when you’re with someone. We drove all over, she pretended to get lost just so we could drive some more. We stopped at a grocery store I remember, and just wandered around. The kind of afternoon you have with someone you’ve been with for years.
When we finally got back, we talked for the rest of the day, only pretending to do work. And then just as quickly as it started, it ended. The red hot passion turned into the red from my bleeding heart. And then the red from my anger, which if I am honest is still burning strong today.
But that one afternoon burnt so much stronger for me. There is a reason that red is both the color of intense passion and intense anger. It is the shade of intensity, not emotion. And my feelings for her and towards her are intense.
I miss you.
Please talk to me again.