The Adderall Diaries Part Ten

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

For one knows their life for many moments throughout their being as the very essense of life itself, it is completely incomparable to death. Its exact and complete counterpoint. This is not to say that death should be strived for and pursued to the abandonment of life, but that it be seen as the incomparable and indescribable event that it is. It is not something that is to be feared, but rather something that can be completely forgotten about up until its occurance, and as surely as it will still arrive it can be embraced.

 

Thinking about death is an endless vacuum that eats up the mind. And to what purpose? It will still come at the time and manner of its own choosing, not yours. Nonexistance can only be understood through existance and since awareness is only present in the latter, it follows that to completely understand and appreciate death, one must live as much and as fully as they can. This is a bit redundant to say that someone must live as fully as they can since they are already doing that unintentionally.

 

Life is beautiful and intricate and complex and simple, and ugly and wonderful and terrible. All at the same time. And since life is the reverse image of death, all of the same paradoxes are true about it. There does not need to be anything more, or any further explination. No life after death is necessary. Nor should it be seen as preferable, because if there is life after death, there is in fact no death. And if there is no death, there can never be life.

 

So enjoy this life. This here, now. And enjoy without apprehension of what is to come, because it will arrive without hate, without malice, not having come to you unfairly or without consideration. It will end, just as it has been. And the only thing that can be changed is how you perceive it as being.

 

So smile, be happy and rest easy knowing that you are experiencing this moment as no one has ever experienced it or will ever experience it. It does not matter that you will never be remembered or considered given enough time. Because your life and your death are completely unique and will never be replicated or repeated anywhere ever. And in their uniqueness they are also self-consuming and will not produce anything that is not taken away. Once.

 

This moment happens only once ever, in all of eternity. Rejoice in that fact and live. Because there is nothing else, and there will be nothing else. It is not without day that you can know what night is. Not without hot that you can know cold. Not without pleasure, pain. You don’t have to worry about anything. It is all taken care of. It is an all inclusive package. Your life will go on with nothing being required on your part. You can literally do nothing and your life will come to you.

 

And you don’t have to concern yourself with death because it will be delivered to you in just the right amount of time. No charge for convenience. It is really a spectacle that all this can go on with no effort from anybody. You will live as long as you need too, and you will die when you are ready too, and not a minute before. Isn’t that a relief?

 

To know that you are guranteed enough time to completely live your life and when you are done it will be only after you are finished. No one can take this time way from you, or give you more. Nor should you want them too, because that would ensure that you can’t be guranteed enough time as there will always be more that you could have had. And no other way is there to ensure that you will not be finished when your life is done living, because someone can always take your time away. Do you know when you will be done, or that you will for sure have enough time? How can you when you won’t be sure until you have gotten just the right amount of time, and you won’t be finished until you have reached the end.

 

With these unknowalbe things comes the certainty that you will never know them, until of course you do know them. At which point there are no longer unknowalbe to you. So who gives a shit? Do whatever you want to do, because that is the exact answer to thte question of if you will continue to want it.

 

I have been up writing this for almost the entire night. And what difference will it have made? I will never have not done it, so there is no alternative outcome to it. It is what it is, because it is, and it is hwat it was because it was, and it was because it was never any other way. I’m dropping some facts on you mother fuckers. But you already knew everything that I have told you because I told you everything that you know.

 

This could go on forever and would be completely stupid on my part. I think that I have made my case, and now I will rest it. I’m not quite sure how I am going to convince ****** that I didn’t stay up all night. Once option is to go to bed and live to fight another day. Another option is to make her think that I went to bed and just got up before her. This, I think, would be relatively simple. I just have to go in and lay with her for a while and then tell her tomorrow that I slept and use that as proof. Very sneaky indeed. Tricky though.

 

And even trickier will be figuring out how to get out of going to her family thing tomorrow night.

 

to be continued . . .

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The Adderall Diaries Part Nine

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

Sleeping better is going ot be really important too. Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning will go a long way towards making me feel better every day. Drinking plenty of water and not as much pop, if any at all. I also have to stop eating candy, but that goes together with not spending money so recklessly. This will help me feel better even when I do not have any medication to take. Which goes completely against the plans that I made yesterday night, but after tonight I don’t know if is possible. My plan was to get my medication and then not take it for two months so that I can build up a reserve that I don’t ever look desperate when I run out.

 

Because I would never run out. That was theentire point, but prhaps no literally  I underestimated my desire to take my medication. I am estimating that I took twelve or sixteen of the total sixty that I got today. That is the amount for eight days. That would mean based on my plan yesterday, I have to go sixteen days without taking any medication to make up for it. That would catch me back up to my plan. It is possible to catch up, but it will be extremelu difficult and I cannot underestimate my desire again. It will just take a couple of really difficult months and then I would never have to do it again.

 

Medication is not what is going to provide me lasting happiness. It is only going to provide me short term benefits, which is extremely enjoyable, but none the less short. How I overcome these addictions is still a mystery. Perhaps I will never overcome it. Always seeking medication that I don’t have. Even right now I have no desire to quit, not seriously anyway. Would it be better to live with this demon and allow it to have what it wants? Will my luck run out eventually and I overdose? Overdose and leave ****** without a husband, my parents without a son, my sisters without a brother? Probably most importantly; am I willing to give up my life to this thing? Not only in the sense of having it control everything that I do but also my physical presence on this Earth?

 

I have thought about death a lot and it is something that I am still not completely comfortable with as the only thing about which I can be certain of in my future. From the day every single person was born, they are guranteed the same single, solitary certainty of how their life will eventually lead too. Even though everyone knows that they will inevitably die, cease to be, give up there life in payment for it’s very self. For to live is to die, one cannot go without the other, no matter how hard you try.

 

But death is also an extraordinary event, as it comes down to one moment that you are here and the following moment that you are not. You do not get more than one death, no matter how many lives you live. And with every death you can be comforted by only the fact that time will keep moving, people will continue living their lives, and that eventually every memory of you or mark that you left will be forgotten. Eventually, nobody will know that you lived or that you died. Most see this as a cold and harsh perspective on life, but there is one redeeming facet of this perspective. It is true.

 

It will always be true, as it has always been true. The universe does not experience time and aging as we do, as life does. It is unending. Or as unending as anyone can claim anything is. For based on the facts that anybody has available to them in their existance, one could reasonable determine that the universe does not exist outside of their experiencing it. But which thought is more frightening? The idea that you will die and be completely forgotten or that the entire universe and the lives of all others exist solely when we are aware of them?

 

That the world with all of its subtlety and complexity ceases to be every time we go to sleep? And this would also be the thought of who created this galaxy among galaxies for us? And perhaps more sinisterly, why would they do this? Perhaps there is no agency behind this action, and everything simply disappears when we leave awareness, no matter how briefly.

 

Every time that you are not paying attention, everything stops and doesn’t exist anymore. And then when your focus returns, everything reappears as if it were never gone. No matter with how much sarcasm I word this second possibility, it is just as likely as the next and nobody can ever disprove it, no matter how hard they try.

 

But in this scenario, death is still present and unavoidable. One of the times that you aren’t paying attention the universe is going to go away and it will decide never to come back into existance for you. Truth has the annoying habit of being inescapable. Just as noone can tell you for a fact that there is any consciousness outside of your own, you cannot convince them that yours exists outside of theirs. It is a beautiful dilema, and one that teaches as much as it decieves.

 

But to turn back to death, the finality of being, and its presence in the minds of everyone. Death can only exist as an idea until someone experiences it for themselves, and because death can only be experienced once by that person and then their experience is terminated irreevocably it is more of a gift than life is.

 

to be continued . . .

Fear

He sat nervously at his desk, looking over his shoulders constantly. The unease with which he was cloaked was palpable to everyone in the diner. Most assumed that he was homeless and mentally ill. Others thought it must be the drugs. The man himself thought that it was because of his impending doom. The man was right.

 

Ding!!

 

The door to the cafe swung open as a group of teenagers came in from the rain laughing and joking as teenagers are apt to do. The man’s eyes peered at them from the opposite end of the diner, the furtherest point away from the door. Fuck those kids, he thought to himself. Exactly right sir, fuck those kids.

 

“Would you like another cup of coffee, hun?”

 

His heart pounded in his chest so hard that it made physical shock waves in the few feet surrounding his booth.

 

“Huh?!?!”

 

“Woah woah babe, it’s alright. I won’t bite. ” The young waitress was clearly not sure how to respond to this psycho sitting in her section. She wanted him to leave, but she didn’t want to ask him because honestly she was sure that if she did he would stand up on the table and deficate. She wasn’t sure why he would do that, but for some reason she knew for sure that that was exactly how it would go down.

 

His wide eyes stared at the waitress. And continued. And continued. The awkwardness was painful, and eventually the waitress slowly began to walk away. The man continued to stare after her until she turned into the kitchen.

 

This is the end, he thought for sure to himself. His entire body tightened, he could not relax at all. His thoughts were racing and he was beginning to quote “Freak out”. Who he was quoting is impossible to tell, so just forget about it dumbass.

 

Suddenly he jumped up. “That’s it!! I have to leave. There is nothing else to be done”. He said that to himself, so the quotations marks are not literal. Dumbass. He walked quickly towards the front door.

 

Ding!!

 

The front door opened again, and as it did the man looked up. He was only a few feet from the door at this point, but then quickly turned to the right and went immediately into the women’s bathroom. Before the door was closed, his pants were to his ankles and the gas that he had been holding back for so long but which he could not hold back any longer began to seep out.

 

“Fpppp” “Fffffpppppp” “Fpppsssssss” The s on the end of that last one brought a feeling of dread to the man. He knew that the presence of the s had a very sinister meaning for him. He knew that if any women had been in the restroom before he had entered, he would not be able to ever count them as friends.

 

He rushed into the stall furtherest away from the door, to try and prevent any sort of chemical weapons charge that he could face after what he was about to do.

 

He rained holy hell down on that toilet.

The Adderall Diaries Part Four

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

Who made you laugh the most, and how much time did you spend thinking about them? Our “lives” are nothing but a collection of sensations that our brain perceived and chronicalizes in a certain order. When I spend a night watching television and you visit the Sistine Chapel, what really is the distinction in the emotions? The only reason that you can even say that there are such tings as emotions that go with certain experiences is because everyone agrees on it. But it is within the individual to qualify how pleasant or unpleasant those experiences were. No one other than yourself can decide what you feel and how you acquire that feeling. They can only compare it to thteir own experiences and their own feelings and then decide that it must be the same experience manifesting in another’s life.

 

To say that someone dances to thte beat of their own drum is one of the most retarded expressions in the English language. I will never know how Under the Bridge really sounds to someone else, but I know that if I get as much joy from it’s melodies as I continue to every time it plays on the radio, then I have the task of trying to explain that to everyone I can and to try my hardest to make sure that their experience of those words strung together in that order is as powerful and joyous as mine have been.

 

Of course it is not the duty of every person to constantly explain exactly what they are feeling which would be endlessly boring and aggravating. We can chose to keep our experiences to ourselves, not to tshare them with others, not to let them escape our consciousness. And some experiences are best that way. In fact, all experiences are perfectly fine staying just where they are behind your eyes and between your ears. But the fact is that there is most likely someone who has felt the same way that you are feeling, experienced the little sensations that are unique to this one event. And the only thing more abundant than the number of identical experiences is the perspectives with which they are interpretted.

 

There is only this moment as a fact that we know we will get to experience for ourselves. Only the emotion and feeling that we have right now can be said to exist. The more moments you experience and the greater number of feelings you experience give you something that you didn’t have before. Perspective. Having only tasted vanilla you can’t be repulsed by strawberry. Always going out in the sun you can never feel the rain. Hearing with your ears, you cannot see the sounds as the vibrations they were before they reached you, and which they will never be again afterwards. While constantly trying to understand what everyone else hears and sees prevents you from understanding what you yourself do, sharing your experiences in anyway you can creates the possiblity that someone else will understand you. They will know your existance, if even for a brief moment and from a different lifetime.

 

Once there was a Camelot.

 

There was a book written about an eleven year old wizard who lived in a cuppard under the stairs and millions and millions of people read about him, often more than once. Once deadly and uncurable, polio and smallpox rarely appear anymore. There were eight Saw movies made. Life has expanded and transformed in infinite ways and through ceaseless expressions. You are one of six billion members of the same species , all of whom most likely see their existance and the moments in their life as having more importance than everyone else’s. Most people will have someone that they love die before they were able to tell them they were important, that their life mattered to someone, that because they were born and became the person they did, the universe changed and it will never be the same as before. Everyone will die. All the comes into being will fade and disappear. No one will know who you were in the inevitability of time.

 

Your name will be forgotten and everything that you have ever done will not matter. Eternity does not stop and it does not slow down, and it does not remember.

 

With no exceptions.

 

Looking at time and trying to change it or control it or delay it is doing something far more terrible. Making time into a reality. We cannot know that this exact time the sun has come up into the sky after being gone for some reason is called a Wednesday. Unless of course we knew that when the sun came up the time before now was a Tuesday. We create our lives and chose how to perceive them. No one else will ever live the exact same way and with the same thoughts, emotions, or desires. For one very simple reason.

 

No one else can be you.

 

And you will never be anyone else, even if you replicate their existance exactly. This is the only moment that exists. This is the only thing that will ever happen. This is your life, your universe, your legacy all wrapped up right now. It’s not some secret or hidden wisdom. Every thing that has been aware has known without fail. The trouble comes when we have to go about living, and doing things for reasons we don’t know and interacting with every other awareness that knows this same little secret, but never in the same way as anyone else.

 

So I chose to fill my moments with the woman I love more than anything I can think of, ****** ******** *******. And when she is not by my side, she will be on my mind. And if I forget about her, she will be in my heart. And when my heart fades into obscurity and both of our names have been forgotten, I will have given every moment I had in this life to have loved ****** ******** ******* with all my soul, and the universe will never be the same as it was before she was in it.

 

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Two

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

gabapentin

pregablin

mell

methylphenidate extended release 30 milligrams

lorazepam 1 milligram x 2 per day

stimulant medication does help me to focus quite a bit. I have to keep track of my blood

each and every day

people pass from life to death

every person deserves to know that someone loves them

the mistake was not to die too early, but to live at all. This world is pain and it is suffering

I hope that everyone in my life knows that I love them. I do not wish loniliness on anyone in their final moments.

For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo

to be alive is not the gift for to be given life is to be given an automatic and guranteed death sentence.

amphetamine

clonidine

metadate                 ritalin

methylphenidate              adderall

clonidine is the key along with pregablin

I’m starting to feel it. I do not know if I am feeling the effects as intensely as I initially thought. I wonder how much medication I will eventually require to deal with the ADHD. I will continue on my current course, working at the dermatology office. I will begin to volunteer three nights a week. The experience that I will gain for future resumes is immense. Also I will contniue my education at the University of Iowa getting a Political Science bachelor’s degree, as well as at Arizona State University getting an English bachelor’s degree.

 

I believe that these goals are not unattainable, not even close. I feel more confident than ever that I will succeed at all of these tasks.

 

I do believe that my medication is going fully into effect.

 

A new apartment would be nice, a two bedroom at least. I would also like to pay for the classes that I take at UI and ASU. This is a lofty goal I know, but one that I think I can achieve. Having three degrees would certainly increase my market value. It would also allow me to raise my GPA high enough to get into graduate school . A new apartment sounds like it would be nice, but perhaps we just need to reorganize the one that we have and make it into something better.

 

if we stay in this apartment we could do some rearranging

 

medications that I am currently taking

 

venlafaxine 300 mg

mirtazapine 30 mg

bupropion 150 mg

ropinirole 2 mg

 

these are taken every day

 

lorazapam 1 mg

zolpidem or zaleplon

adderall or ritalin

 

these are either as needed or it is uncertain if I will remain on them

 

I have now experimented with my Metadate CD capsules by taking the outer capsule coating off and pouring the contents into a glass of milk and drinking it all at once. I think that this will make it immediate release instead of extended release. It does say in the medication guide that you can do this. So it must not be incredibly dangerous. Although, this will put the total amount of methlyphenidate that I have taken since midnight up 180 milligrams. 60 of those are the aforementioned presumed immediate release. I have been taking my blood pressure throughout the night, although I haven’t recorded it. But it has stayed relatively the same and within the normal range, although on the high side. My blood pressure was just measured at about 130/70 which as I said is within normal ranges but elevated nonetheless.

 

My heart rate is at an alarming 114 beats per minute resting, which I assume is extrememly high. I believe that I have taken at least half of my thirty pill prescription already just two days after filling it. Similarly with my lorazepam, which I received sixty of just three days ago, now of which I have only twelve. My zolpidem extended release is completely gone, and it was filled on the third. I need to start saving my medication first if I want to take more than prescribed.

 

Tonight, I may take some lorazepam to get to sleep , but then I plan to take a good long break from the medications that I do not need to take on a daily basis. In order to tall back into my prescribed medication schedule, I will not take any methylphenidate for at least three weeks. The lorazepam which I will make one exception for tonight, I will not take again for three weeks and four days. I will not send in for a refill of the zolpidem extended release until the third of March. This is also the day that I will be getting my next tattoo which is something I am looking forward too a gread deal. My next psychiatrist appointment is on the sixth of March. I plan to still have some of my medications from which I will be abstaining. I’m going to record my blood pressure three times a day, every day, as well as my heart rate and total hours of sleep that I am getting. I do have some ideas already for medications I might suggest at my next appointment. Clonidine is the main one, and I think that it will be beneficial for the high blood pressure as well as for sleep and anxiety as well. It would also probably be very beneficial for the attention deficit disorder working in unison with whichever stimulant I end up being on for the long term.

Another medication I would like to suggest at the next appointment is pregablin. I think that this will be great for my anxiety, restless legs and also sleep. Perhaps this medication would be able to substitue for my lorazepam and zolpidem, which may be better for me in the ong haul of this life. Additionionally for sleep I want ot try rozerem, which I don’t forsee as a problem as it is only a melatonin derived drug and not addictive, at least that I am aware of.

 

 

 

to be continued . . .