He sat nervously at his desk, looking over his shoulders constantly. The unease with which he was cloaked was palpable to everyone in the diner. Most assumed that he was homeless and mentally ill. Others thought it must be the drugs. The man himself thought that it was because of his impending doom. The man was right.




The door to the cafe swung open as a group of teenagers came in from the rain laughing and joking as teenagers are apt to do. The man’s eyes peered at them from the opposite end of the diner, the furtherest point away from the door. Fuck those kids, he thought to himself. Exactly right sir, fuck those kids.


“Would you like another cup of coffee, hun?”


His heart pounded in his chest so hard that it made physical shock waves in the few feet surrounding his booth.




“Woah woah babe, it’s alright. I won’t bite. ” The young waitress was clearly not sure how to respond to this psycho sitting in her section. She wanted him to leave, but she didn’t want to ask him because honestly she was sure that if she did he would stand up on the table and deficate. She wasn’t sure why he would do that, but for some reason she knew for sure that that was exactly how it would go down.


His wide eyes stared at the waitress. And continued. And continued. The awkwardness was painful, and eventually the waitress slowly began to walk away. The man continued to stare after her until she turned into the kitchen.


This is the end, he thought for sure to himself. His entire body tightened, he could not relax at all. His thoughts were racing and he was beginning to quote “Freak out”. Who he was quoting is impossible to tell, so just forget about it dumbass.


Suddenly he jumped up. “That’s it!! I have to leave. There is nothing else to be done”. He said that to himself, so the quotations marks are not literal. Dumbass. He walked quickly towards the front door.




The front door opened again, and as it did the man looked up. He was only a few feet from the door at this point, but then quickly turned to the right and went immediately into the women’s bathroom. Before the door was closed, his pants were to his ankles and the gas that he had been holding back for so long but which he could not hold back any longer began to seep out.


“Fpppp” “Fffffpppppp” “Fpppsssssss” The s on the end of that last one brought a feeling of dread to the man. He knew that the presence of the s had a very sinister meaning for him. He knew that if any women had been in the restroom before he had entered, he would not be able to ever count them as friends.


He rushed into the stall furtherest away from the door, to try and prevent any sort of chemical weapons charge that he could face after what he was about to do.


He rained holy hell down on that toilet.


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