I have created this emptiness. This paradise of the lonesome. I have done it on purpose. Or that is what I keep telling myself. I act as if I have pushed everyone away on purpose. Which is partially true. I don’t want to have people rely on me. I will only let them down.
Friendship is tiresome. Having to constantly talk to someone, hang out with them, even when you would rather be doing something else, by yourself, is a hassle. The benefits that you get from companionship are far outweighed by it’s requirements and maintanence fees.
Why not skip it altogether? Watching a movie by yourself is not the worst thing in the world. In fact, it’s not even that bad at all. It’s actually quite enjoyable. Sitting at home, reading and listening to music that you want to listen too, and not having to switch back and forth between what they want to listen too, is pretty sweet in fact.
The question becomes did I do this on purpose? Certainly it would appear so, as I am more often by myself than spending time with others. I don’t enjoy going out, and would rather stay in. I’ve pushed away most everyone that has tried to be my friend, or tried to get close to me. But in most instances, it would appear that I did not do that on purpose, but that they left me.
So which is it? Was it my doing or theirs? Am I really a loner by choice or by circumstance? I would imagine that it is a little bit of both. My personality and my previous experiences of rejection and isolation have turned me into someone that nobody wants to be around for too long. I’m great at making friends, but I have no desire to keep them.
And I imagine that they don’t desire that either.