Today I started deleting myself. I am trying to unplug from the world so that I no longer have to be a part of it in the traditional sense. I will still inhabit it, still exist in the purely human sense, but I will avoid at every opportunity being connected and tied to any sort of mass networking system. I do not strive for isolation, but for independence. I’m hoping that my attempts to go offline are not misconstrued by those around me as being an attempt to shut them out. Quite the contrary in fact, for if I go ghost and remain in contact with you, you can most certainly know that it is because I do truly care about you and wish to remain in contact.
However, I do not want to stay in contact with most people that I have previously been in contact with. My life has been filled with friendships and relationships that are purely for show. There is no real connection, at least in my view, between you and I other than that we have had the misfortune of coming into contact with each other. It is neither one of our faults, of course, but I do not enjoy the empty commitment of acquaintances. Far too long have I striven to increase the number of social networking friends and the connections that I have online with others to show how successful I am in the social realm. I am not successful in the social realm. I am the exact opposite in fact. I have been nothing but a complete and utter failure when it comes to social relationships.
Almost all of friendships have ended, either with a passionate argument instigated by myself, or by blunt mistreatment and starvation. I am not fond of friend ships. I am very weary of them. I do not trust. I do not trust even myself, unfortunately. That is somewhat difficult to explain to someone who does not know what you mean by it. Nonetheless, I am fairly well equipped to make friends, and to put people at ease when they are around me or forced to work with me in school or at a job. But it is all a veneer. I have no actual desire to continue with the friendship beyond the point I absolutely must to achieve success. This may sound harsh, but it is a natural development of personality based on my experiences, particularly in grade school and high school.
I was an outcast in elementary school. I enjoyed reading and learning, and I liked to go to school everyday. That put me at odds with the so called cool kids in my grade. It also did not help that my mother was a teacher that worked in the same building. I was often the target of teasing and it was very difficult and unnatural for me to fit in with these other children. But I did on occasion. I always felt like I was struggling to be friends with them, always having to be extremely careful about what I said or what I did so as not to upset them or embarrass them. I did not have any self-esteem during these times, and so I had the terrible day to day existence of sculpting my behavior to fit the standards of everyone around me.
When I was in the sixth grade, my family moved from a very small community to a very large one. This was a huge shock to my system, and it caused immense and irreparable harm that is evident still to this day. Now, not only did I not fit in with the handful of kids in my class, but I did not fit in with hundreds of other kids as well. They kept telling me that because there were more kids, I just had to find the ones that I fit in with. But no one every considered the idea that just because the odds got a little bit better, it did not guarantee me friends. And as a middle school boy going through puberty, girls were also a catastrophic failure. My social skills were not equipped to handle other boys, let alone members of the opposite sex that I now found myself attracted too.
I had extreme self-worth issues, and my physical appearance was a source of dread for me. My face was covered in thick acne that never seemed to go away, even with medication. My hair was too curly, and my head too misshapen to have to my hair long or short, and my body was very very wiry, and not attractive at all. My attitude about myself exuded deprecation. I began to try and connect with people over the common theme of mockery towards myself. I would make fun of myself way more than anyone else would, to the most extreme extent, so that other people wouldn’t be the first ones to say those things about me. At least I was saying them about myself.
This continued into high school, although my acne cleared up and I did start to behave in social situations like a person my age should. However, because of the years of torment that I had endured, I did not want to be a part of any of the social circles around me. I hated everybody and everything that existed in high school. It was the worst time period of my life, and I will forever look back on it in agony. When people told me that in ten years I wouldn’t even remember what people said in high school, I thought they might be telling the truth. But know ten years later, I know that I will always remember everything and everybody from high school. As much as I try to forget, I am not able too.
Long story short, I do not connect easily with other people. I do try, as is evident by my very existence on social media. But it is mostly for the benefit of appearing to be a normal person. I have become overly reliant on it as a source of news and entertainment and validation, especially recently going through the worst break up of my life, and I have decided to change that. I have deactivated the Holy Grail of networking sites, Facebook, as I see it as the prime factor in my addiction to connecting. I have also deactivated Instagram, as it is completely useless to me because I hate taking pictures, especially of myself. I have kept this blog site up because I intended to write, and write a lot. Every single day if I am able too. I find it very relaxing and therapeutic to put my thoughts down somewhere, even if they are never seen again by anyone. I have also kept my Twitter account and my Tumblr account active so as to have some way to share my blog with the outside world. I am no longer going to search for more friends or more followers. I will continue with what I have, and I will probably limit checking in on those accounts to as little as possible.
As for my email and phone number, I am in the process of switching to a new email account, one that is untraceable and comes out of Norway. I will have to forward all of my other emails to this account, so that I can continue getting emails that are important from them until I have switched everything over. The good thing about this email server is that it lets you create email aliases, which are linked to your email, and you can give out the aliases, and people won’t know your actual address. I thought that was very cool, anyway. As for phone number, I am going to start a new line on my phone plan, downgrade my current phone to something very basic, and use the phone that I have now on the new line. I will continue to pay for the old phone line, but I will not check it daily. It will serve as a sort of voicemail, similar to me forwarding emails from my old accounts for a little bit in order to cover any overlap.
This may seem silly and ridiculous, especially because I don’t think that anybody is going to read this post all the way through, except me as I am writing it now. And I agree. This whole thing is pretty pointless. But because of my current misery over my break up, I need something that is going to give my mind focus and purpose, even if it is on something so trivial as anonymity and blogging. So, to all those that actually read through this entire post, I thank and applaud you. I urge you to comment on this post, so that I may know that you heart is sincere and maintain contact with you as I shift into the SHADOW . . .