Solitary for Twelve

man sitting alone on a bench with a grey background

Another memory I have of one of the girls I have written about is the day she walked away. She told me she needed a year. She was in love with someone else, someone who had been in her life much longer than me. I knew she was never coming back. I remember that phone call vividly. Not the words she said, but the feelings they caused. My heart breaking again, the air leaving my lungs breathless. The extreme sensation of loss and emptiness. If there are five stages of grief, I wish that I could go through them.


But that wasn’t possible. Not now. Not with this girl. I did not have the luxury of acceptance at the end of this grief. All I had was the entire package. It was clear from her voice that she did not intend to ever come back. Even though she may have said that there was nothing set in stone, I knew her thinking was as solid as concrete. She would never let me back into her life.


She may have still felt love for me, she may not have. She may have never loved me. My thinking is that was the case from the beginning. She had said it but never meant it. When I had said it, I said it with every inch of my soul. That was the difference, and there was nothing that I could do to ever change that.


Time heals all things. Another falsity of the human experience. Time only dulls, but the pain of true love lost never heals. It never goes away. You begin to feel nothing. That is the only thing that can be called healing in a situation like this. Try as I might, I could never get her off my mind. I thought about her everyday, every hour, every minute. Happy memories now twisted and mixed with terrible ones.


She cut me out completely. She contacted me in no way, shape or form. Days turning into weeks, weeks into months. My hope of her changing her mind was something that I could never shake. I tried everything that I could to get her attention. Trying to remind her of me, of what we had shared together. I don’t know if any of it even reached her or if she ever saw it. All I know is that I still never heard from her. Day after day after day I waited, in agony as deep the ocean.


But the day never arrived. She had someone, and I did not have her. That was the only thing that never changed. Even during the time that we spent together. But I will keep trying, in any way that I can think of.


Because that is all that I have now.


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