The Adderall Diaries Part Fifteen

close up picture of a notebook filled with writing

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)


That was a really eye opening experience to what Adderall can do to your body and to your perception. The pounding heart and chest pain was the most concerning part because i think I was very close to having a heart attack.


Or at least that is what I was thinking the entire time. The sleep deprivation was causing additional anxiety on top of that, and the extremely high doses that I had taken was altering my reality, and that was the most terrifying part.


It is strange to think that just a change in your perception could be such a scary thing, but I guess that has always been the way I respond to mind-altering drugs. I have always been extremely sensitive to alterations and even the smallest changes cause huge anxiety for me. Any sort of psychoactive drug has caused the same increase in panic.


I’m not sure why this is. It probably has something to do with the thought that it will be permanent. I think that that thought is probably highly unlikely and the actual dangers lie in the physiological effects of the drugs.


Heart attack is a real threat with the behavior I was guilty of, and that is a very, very serious thing.


Obviously I should never, never take that much medication no matter what it is. But that is a recurring problem that I have. It happened with pain meds, anxiety meds, sleep meds, and now ADD meds. It is strange that I would get so much anxiety from changes in perception because it would seem that I am doing all that I can to change it.


But I think that it is more of a desire to change how I feel. I always want to feel better and I use whatever I can to do that. My Adderall experience this weekend was terrible, and I have got to be smarter about how I use my medications. If I am going to use this kind of medication I cannot take massive amounts at a time until I run out.


That is number one. Number two is that I need to start striving to use the medication for the reason that it is supposed to be used for. That probably goes hand and hand with the first one. These things are easier said than done, but my luck will run out eventually.


This body can’t handle that much abuse for that long. Eventually something will give out. ****** has put up with so much shit with me, and that has got to change. She does not deserve it. She deserves better treatment. She deserves more consideration than that. My goal should be each week for my medication to not come up in my way.


I shouldn’t bring it up and my behavior should not bring it up, and by that I mean I should not do anything that would cause attention to be dream to my medication. Not so that I can get away with anything but rather to not allow it to be so prominent in our daily lives. Probably it should only come up once a week, maybe every other week. And that includes talking with my doctor and getting refills and things of that nature.


My attention is better spent on other things. Every time I run out of medication and resign to not taking it, and when my attention turns to my life things get better, easier, less stressful. It shouldn’t be something that I think about nonstop. Look at how many pages in this notebook that I have filled talking about my medication. No more!!


Religion is not a special thing. When you look at a religion from the perspective of it as a way in which people make sense of their lives and the world around them, and not a collection of beliefs and rituals, they become identical to things like culture, ethnic groups, age groups. Any sort of way that people define who they are and who everyone else is. Things that religion creates are, however, identical to the things that are created from ignorance and fear. People do not enjoy not knowing things like who creeated the world, and what happens after they die.


They think that they deserve to know what the meaning of their life is. Firstly, why does there have to exist a meaning for life? How does everyone that is living and who has ever lived and who will ever live each have a specialmeaning for their life? Or collectively what is the neccessity for the explanation of consciousness and the special meaning that it has? Whether or not there exists a meaning for life, collectively or individually, it will continue to exist. And with the passage of time, one thing has continued to be true without the least bit of advancement; no one can say with any truth or any certainty what happens when life ends.


I guess that is a bad way to word it. No one can say that there is a life that exists after one ends. No one can tell another person the meaning of that person’s life, because it is impossible to know. No, it is impossible to be proven to even exist. How can one person know what existance is like beyond their own?


How can they perceive things, truly, beyond their own perception? It is not possible. It is possible to guess, and even very accurately and intelligently, but it is truly impossible to know the experience of anything outside of yourself. And what does that show? That shows that there is no way to empirically prove anything about life from a standpoint of meaning or purpose.


to be continued . . .


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