(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
As I continue to those my perceptions and interactions with tthe rest of the world, I will do so always to be closer to her for a little longer. To have her laugh a little more. To watch her sleep peacefully for a few more seconds. I chose her, now and for every hour, day, year, and lifetime that I am given. Besides the knowledge that the only moment that I can know for certain is this one, I will know that the only emotion I can know for sure we spent our lives together never making enough money, always being tired and overworked, eating junk food for every meal and wasting all our time sitting on the couch watching senseless shows. Never becoming famous or free to do whatever we want all the time. Always waiting until tomorrow to do the laundry, planning trips that we’ll never go on, never learning absolutely everything that there is to know. If I only know you and never anything else, it would be a happiness that I would smother myself in.
If we stay in the same apartment, I would want to rearrange it so that we had more space. First and for most we will get rid of the table in the dining area, I would like to try and have a desk in there, like a work study station. A cubbard would also be amazing for a pantry and again more space. I wonder if we could put up a divider of sorts so that one of us could study while the other watches tv or something. ****** has vetoed that idea immediately. I would like another recliner to put in the bedroom so I can read in there when ****** is watching television in the living room.
The methylphenidate is not as good as the adderall in terms of the boost that I feel from it. I will say that I think both are useful in helping me concentrate. I think that it will be necessary to add on antihypertension medication regardless of whether or not I end up taking a stimulant. My blood pressure does seem to be consistently high every time that I have taken it the past two days. I am going to get on clonidine, guafainine, orphenadrine, or a beta blocker to reduce my blood pressure. I took 4 milligrams of my ropinirole and it has cause quite a lot of nausea. I think that is normal with dopamine.
Right now I do not feel good at all. I think it is just the nausea that is causing the dysphoria. I am addicted to the drugs. I have to learn to control my urges, and to take my medication as prescribed. I am definitely having some rebound anxiety because I took too much of my medication too fast again. All I have to do is remember that what I’m feeling is only temporary. I have got to force myself to take my medications as prescribed.
Now I have taken 300 milligrams of Trazadone. It has helped a lot. My life is going perfectly. I have a great job and I am going to finish all of my degrees. I really want to find the right dosage of medication so that I can continue to be successful in my life. My mood continues to swing today about what I should do in regards to my medication.
I do abuse medication. I take too much of it for the feeling that I get from it. It does have a strong influence on my life. I have to make the decision to not focus all my attention on it in order for me to be successful. There is nothing left for me to do at this point. I have called and left a message at the doctors office and I have to wait to hear back from them. I could go to Walgreens to pick up whatever prescription.
I’m glad that I called them to find out what it was. Now knowing what it is, the mirtazapine, I don’t have the urge to go pick it up as I would have had if it were the zolpidem, or zaleplon. The only thing that will get me what I want is time at this point. I have to wait to get more medication, there is no other solution. It is boredom that is my greatest enemy in struggling with depression and anxiety. I have to continue my schedule and maintain the great momentum that I had going before last weekend. It will be easy for me to stem this bout of depression. Going back to school is what worries me the most about not having my prescriptions figured out. Also the money. But it is possible for me to accomplish.
Courses I need for Political Science
- 3 courses from intro list ; 1001, 1002, 1200, 1300, 1400, 1403, 1445, 1501, 1600, 1601, 1700
- 6 courses above 2000
- 6 courses at UI for the degree
Arizona State University
lots more classes
I don’t know if I can afford to take as many classes as I want.
We need to either move into a bigger apartment or reorganize our apartment. The stress that I am feeling is temporary. I will continue to focus on myself and not other people that are going to increase my stress, I am extremely scatter brained and I wonder if it is because I was taking a lot of my medication and then suddenly I’m not, or if it is simply how I am all the time.
When I do get more stimulant medication and ativan and sleeping medication I will need to do something to prevent myself from taking too much of it. This is always what I say when I am out of medication and I always fall back into the same trap when I get more. I will need to safeguard myself from myself if I am going to be able to continue taking stimulant medication to help me focus.
It should be a tool rather than a solution all by itself. The pill lock box is something that I do think would help me a great deal. I was on a roll with my tax return until I had to have lst years. I have now completed my tax returns on my own for the first time. I have to become totally independant from my parents. I wonder if I put in for a refill request for the zaleplon if it will be refilled. I don’t know honestly. I need help with sleep.
to be continued . . .