The Adderall Diaries Part Nine

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)


Sleeping better is going ot be really important too. Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning will go a long way towards making me feel better every day. Drinking plenty of water and not as much pop, if any at all. I also have to stop eating candy, but that goes together with not spending money so recklessly. This will help me feel better even when I do not have any medication to take. Which goes completely against the plans that I made yesterday night, but after tonight I don’t know if is possible. My plan was to get my medication and then not take it for two months so that I can build up a reserve that I don’t ever look desperate when I run out.


Because I would never run out. That was theentire point, but prhaps no literally  I underestimated my desire to take my medication. I am estimating that I took twelve or sixteen of the total sixty that I got today. That is the amount for eight days. That would mean based on my plan yesterday, I have to go sixteen days without taking any medication to make up for it. That would catch me back up to my plan. It is possible to catch up, but it will be extremelu difficult and I cannot underestimate my desire again. It will just take a couple of really difficult months and then I would never have to do it again.


Medication is not what is going to provide me lasting happiness. It is only going to provide me short term benefits, which is extremely enjoyable, but none the less short. How I overcome these addictions is still a mystery. Perhaps I will never overcome it. Always seeking medication that I don’t have. Even right now I have no desire to quit, not seriously anyway. Would it be better to live with this demon and allow it to have what it wants? Will my luck run out eventually and I overdose? Overdose and leave ****** without a husband, my parents without a son, my sisters without a brother? Probably most importantly; am I willing to give up my life to this thing? Not only in the sense of having it control everything that I do but also my physical presence on this Earth?


I have thought about death a lot and it is something that I am still not completely comfortable with as the only thing about which I can be certain of in my future. From the day every single person was born, they are guranteed the same single, solitary certainty of how their life will eventually lead too. Even though everyone knows that they will inevitably die, cease to be, give up there life in payment for it’s very self. For to live is to die, one cannot go without the other, no matter how hard you try.


But death is also an extraordinary event, as it comes down to one moment that you are here and the following moment that you are not. You do not get more than one death, no matter how many lives you live. And with every death you can be comforted by only the fact that time will keep moving, people will continue living their lives, and that eventually every memory of you or mark that you left will be forgotten. Eventually, nobody will know that you lived or that you died. Most see this as a cold and harsh perspective on life, but there is one redeeming facet of this perspective. It is true.


It will always be true, as it has always been true. The universe does not experience time and aging as we do, as life does. It is unending. Or as unending as anyone can claim anything is. For based on the facts that anybody has available to them in their existance, one could reasonable determine that the universe does not exist outside of their experiencing it. But which thought is more frightening? The idea that you will die and be completely forgotten or that the entire universe and the lives of all others exist solely when we are aware of them?


That the world with all of its subtlety and complexity ceases to be every time we go to sleep? And this would also be the thought of who created this galaxy among galaxies for us? And perhaps more sinisterly, why would they do this? Perhaps there is no agency behind this action, and everything simply disappears when we leave awareness, no matter how briefly.


Every time that you are not paying attention, everything stops and doesn’t exist anymore. And then when your focus returns, everything reappears as if it were never gone. No matter with how much sarcasm I word this second possibility, it is just as likely as the next and nobody can ever disprove it, no matter how hard they try.


But in this scenario, death is still present and unavoidable. One of the times that you aren’t paying attention the universe is going to go away and it will decide never to come back into existance for you. Truth has the annoying habit of being inescapable. Just as noone can tell you for a fact that there is any consciousness outside of your own, you cannot convince them that yours exists outside of theirs. It is a beautiful dilema, and one that teaches as much as it decieves.


But to turn back to death, the finality of being, and its presence in the minds of everyone. Death can only exist as an idea until someone experiences it for themselves, and because death can only be experienced once by that person and then their experience is terminated irreevocably it is more of a gift than life is.


to be continued . . .


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