The Adderall Diaries Part Ten

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)


For one knows their life for many moments throughout their being as the very essense of life itself, it is completely incomparable to death. Its exact and complete counterpoint. This is not to say that death should be strived for and pursued to the abandonment of life, but that it be seen as the incomparable and indescribable event that it is. It is not something that is to be feared, but rather something that can be completely forgotten about up until its occurance, and as surely as it will still arrive it can be embraced.


Thinking about death is an endless vacuum that eats up the mind. And to what purpose? It will still come at the time and manner of its own choosing, not yours. Nonexistance can only be understood through existance and since awareness is only present in the latter, it follows that to completely understand and appreciate death, one must live as much and as fully as they can. This is a bit redundant to say that someone must live as fully as they can since they are already doing that unintentionally.


Life is beautiful and intricate and complex and simple, and ugly and wonderful and terrible. All at the same time. And since life is the reverse image of death, all of the same paradoxes are true about it. There does not need to be anything more, or any further explination. No life after death is necessary. Nor should it be seen as preferable, because if there is life after death, there is in fact no death. And if there is no death, there can never be life.


So enjoy this life. This here, now. And enjoy without apprehension of what is to come, because it will arrive without hate, without malice, not having come to you unfairly or without consideration. It will end, just as it has been. And the only thing that can be changed is how you perceive it as being.


So smile, be happy and rest easy knowing that you are experiencing this moment as no one has ever experienced it or will ever experience it. It does not matter that you will never be remembered or considered given enough time. Because your life and your death are completely unique and will never be replicated or repeated anywhere ever. And in their uniqueness they are also self-consuming and will not produce anything that is not taken away. Once.


This moment happens only once ever, in all of eternity. Rejoice in that fact and live. Because there is nothing else, and there will be nothing else. It is not without day that you can know what night is. Not without hot that you can know cold. Not without pleasure, pain. You don’t have to worry about anything. It is all taken care of. It is an all inclusive package. Your life will go on with nothing being required on your part. You can literally do nothing and your life will come to you.


And you don’t have to concern yourself with death because it will be delivered to you in just the right amount of time. No charge for convenience. It is really a spectacle that all this can go on with no effort from anybody. You will live as long as you need too, and you will die when you are ready too, and not a minute before. Isn’t that a relief?


To know that you are guranteed enough time to completely live your life and when you are done it will be only after you are finished. No one can take this time way from you, or give you more. Nor should you want them too, because that would ensure that you can’t be guranteed enough time as there will always be more that you could have had. And no other way is there to ensure that you will not be finished when your life is done living, because someone can always take your time away. Do you know when you will be done, or that you will for sure have enough time? How can you when you won’t be sure until you have gotten just the right amount of time, and you won’t be finished until you have reached the end.


With these unknowalbe things comes the certainty that you will never know them, until of course you do know them. At which point there are no longer unknowalbe to you. So who gives a shit? Do whatever you want to do, because that is the exact answer to thte question of if you will continue to want it.


I have been up writing this for almost the entire night. And what difference will it have made? I will never have not done it, so there is no alternative outcome to it. It is what it is, because it is, and it is hwat it was because it was, and it was because it was never any other way. I’m dropping some facts on you mother fuckers. But you already knew everything that I have told you because I told you everything that you know.


This could go on forever and would be completely stupid on my part. I think that I have made my case, and now I will rest it. I’m not quite sure how I am going to convince ****** that I didn’t stay up all night. Once option is to go to bed and live to fight another day. Another option is to make her think that I went to bed and just got up before her. This, I think, would be relatively simple. I just have to go in and lay with her for a while and then tell her tomorrow that I slept and use that as proof. Very sneaky indeed. Tricky though.


And even trickier will be figuring out how to get out of going to her family thing tomorrow night.


to be continued . . .


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